I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
