Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
