True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
