The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
