do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
