I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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