so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
