My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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