what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
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This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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