I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
