When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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