i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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