from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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