im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
