I can text with my tongue
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
