She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
