The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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