She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
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