I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
