Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
