for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
