The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
