If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
