the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
