He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
