News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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