I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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