Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
