just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
