I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
