There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
