the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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