i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
