How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
the condom got lost in my hair
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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