my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
