Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
