erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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