i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
