I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
