The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
