why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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