I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
