I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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