I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
