You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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