There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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