There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
