What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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