But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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