she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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