Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
