Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
