I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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