chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
