Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
