gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
