I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
