I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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