It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
