I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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