I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
