after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
