And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
