I can tuck mytits in my pants
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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