guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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