I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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