I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
